College football is awesome; some of the fans who choose to show up, not so much. If you have attended a college football game, you understand that you will have the privilege to observe human-nature at its finest. When this human-nature is put on display, college football fans transform into what we refer to as “tool-bags”. If you haven’t attended a college football game and haven’t had the extraordinary pleasure to experience these tool-bags for yourself. Don’t worry, we will highlight the Top- 5 to better prepare you. They are as follows:
The Frat Boy
The “Frat Boy” is a perfect mixture of being young, absolutely stupid, topped off with being totally smashed. He looks as if he is coherent, but is speaking in tongues about the other team. He continually brags about how cool he is because he managed to sneak in his PBR in an undisclosed location. He rarely misses the opportunity to remove his shirt while displaying his fraternity on his chest with his ex-girlfriends lipstick. He is usually displaying someone else’s vomit on his skinny-jeans combined with trying to act tough. His girl pants, excuse me “skinny-jeans” appear to have a small steady stream of what looks like pee flowing downward toward his Abercrombie flip-flops. He loudly declares that he’d rather be watching a game of beer pong, and then, with almost no warning, passes out cold on the concrete steps. Then the game kicks off and one of his “boys” repeats the above sequence until they run out of dudes or the game ends, whichever comes first.
The “Second-Guesser” aka my dad earns a top-five spot. You won’t be able to pick him out in a crowd. He is a pleasant sociable individual who can carry on a conversation with anyone. He is also the hardest on the list to identify, by the time you figure out you’re dealing with him; it is too late. His favorite inject is “where is the flag” or “that is a block in the back”. Play after play is vociferously second guessed. If the team runs the ball and it goes for no yards, he’ll point out why they should have passed. If a pass falls incomplete, he’ll gloat about how he would have called a running play. If the team is forced to punt, he will state why they should have gone for it on 4th and 20. You don’t even want to know what he does when an onside kick fails. Next time you encounter the second-guesser, tell him you agree and love all the actions which draw a penalty. Back this statement up by explaining that you believe in punting on third down. Then calmly hold your ground as he tries to explain the flaws in yours and the rest of America’s reasoning.
The Hot Drunk Girl
The “Hot Drunk Girl” always demands attention from everyone while attending the sporting event. This earns her a spot in the Top- 5 showing this list has no gender barrier. We all know this girl; she always travels in a pack of girls who are slightly less attractive then her improving her overall appearance. This is also the same girl who beer-bonged a 40 ounce PBR coupled with a half dozen teamed colored Jello shots. She constantly shouts “Whoo”, with no idea why. Her outburst is during inappropriate times and it carries a piercing, cackling laugh that makes you want to shove her smuggled PBR down her throat so that she can no longer make that annoying and appalling “Whoo”. This is an example of the above display; I once attended a sporting event where a row of hot drunk girls were sitting behind my father and I. After my father interjected his flawless play we begin to overhear the conversation taking place behind us. This conversation ultimately dropped my IQ by 17 points in a matter of seconds when I heard one say to the others, “Did you know a Stingray is bigger than a Blue Whale?” Really it is? What version of Discovery channel have you been watching? My father and I rightfully began to applaud their stupidity. To add to this public display of senselessness, the mastermind proceeded to explain to a stranger on how to operate a cowbell which had no bell in it.
The “Lightweight” is not to be confused with the “Frat Boy”. He appears to be just as stupid, but has a reason for it. He just turned 18 and just moved into his sweet dorm room. He has attended local dorm parties and feels as if he is up for his first full day of all day drinking. Lucky for you he has chosen to put public drinking on display at the game you’re attending. Now he’s a raging binge drinker and sitting right behind you. He kicks your seat, drops food on your head and speaks at a volume two times louder than necessary. You politely ask him to get his feet off your seat, quit spilling food and to shut the f@ck up. Next your dad and friends or my case both, are begging you not to punch his front teeth in. He continues to not pay attention to the game and go on and on about how awesome his smuggled in PBR is. It is only a matter of time before he throws up right onto your head. You can’t punch him in his face so you have to take the more mature route of belittling him by proving he knows nothing about the team or game he is attending. Sure, he’ll be unable to defend himself and might end up crying in front of his new friends, but at least it will teach him a valuable lesson about controlling his liquor.
The “Bandwagoner” is the worst of them all. We all know this guy or girl. Never have they spoke about a college football team or game before. Suddenly they show up with their newest Wal –Mart apparel on display expressing their undying love for their team. Their tool-bag tendencies aren’t subject to just game day. Common knowledge tells you it’s okay to root for your Alma matter or your family’s hometown team. Notice the biggest keyword mentioned, “Hometown”. This has got to be one of the most irritable and ignorant situations in sports. If you’re from a non-sport affiliated city, it’s acceptable to adopt a sports team of your own. However, if you’re from a state or city who is affiliated with a team and you choose to hop on a team’s bandwagon, you’re an idiot! There is nothing more frustrating than a person who has never been a fan of team, or knows nothing about their team and choices to be a fan. To add to the witlessness bandwagoner’s stupidity is when they chose to climb on board after a winning season. This is a common sight at SEC games and it is an embarrassment to the universities they choose to support. Their constant yapping about how big of fan they are can easily be shut up with a simple question. What question? Anything about the team they have chosen to wear a shirt of.
This is your dummies guide to spotting “tool-bags”. Keep it close to you and refer to it when needed.